Elizabeth* is fifty. When she was nine, again at twelve, and then at eighteen, she clearly remembers wishing she were an adult so that she would be allowed to do anything she wanted. She didn’t like routine, or the monotony of having to practice her music, or do her homework. She was not overly obstinate; she simply chose not to apply herself when it didn’t appeal to her.
Once sweet adulthood arrived, Elizabeth found her own passions and made her way through the years doing things, as she says, “her own way.” For the most part, this worked well for her. However, over the years Elizabeth began to notice that she had formed some habits around allowing. She allowed herself to do what she liked and she found numerous ways of avoiding doing what she didn’t enjoy. Procrastination became a way of life. Making time for exercise (unless it was fun), for keeping up with her accounting, for cleaning out her over-filled closets, for finishing projects she started, just didn’t happen. She began to feel overwhelmed and disappointed in herself.
Elizabeth came to me when she was ready to face the stubborn child within and unlock her true potential to move ahead with her whole life. She recognized that just as it is possible to “spoil” our children, we could do the same with our own lives! When there is a lack of discipline because it is easier/more pleasant to choose another way, our Gremlin (the negative self-talk, also called the Saboteur) begins to speak up. Then there is a brain argument between our True Self and the Gremlin. It sounds a lot like the arguments we used with our parents when we were nine, twelve, or eighteen. Only now we are the adult arguing with ourselves. What do we really want, to finish our taxes, or to enjoy one of the first nice days of spring? The closer we get to April 15, the more likely we are to choose the taxes because we do not want the consequences that are sure to follow. However, isn’t it true that the minute we are finished with that project, we promise ourselves that next year it will be different? We hate the agony and pain procrastination brings.
Before you find yourself in the position of another self-argument around what you “should” do and what you’d rather do, try this.
1. Make a list of all the things you would like to say “Yes” to this week (or today.) Be honest about including what you want to put behind you.
Also, indulge yourself in an activity that feels like a reward for saying Yes to an item before it becomes a “should.” Look at what you’ve been putting off and tweak the item. For example, as exercise, choose an activity you enjoy like gardening or walking in nature. Add time with the kids by flying a kite together. Now you are exercising and spending family time.
2. Next, make a list of all the things you would like to say “No” to this week. These might be distractions like too much TV or the Internet. It might also be necessary for you to say No to family or friends who have learned you are someone they can depend upon. If saying Yes to them causes you to say No to your own responsibilities, that is a clue.
3. Choose which pieces from your lists you will commit to. Start small. Choose one yes and one no.
4. Make these things happen.
5. Celebrate! Pay attention to how you feel afterward. My guess is that your Gremlin voice will be silenced, and your True Self will be looking for the next breakthrough. Remember that our thoughts lead to our feelings. When you are congratulating yourself, you create happy, positive feelings. Tell this to your face and start smiling.
6. Rinse and repeat.
* Name is changed to protect the identity. Permission was granted to tell this story. Her hope is to raise awareness in others so they too can choose what they allow in their lives.
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